Dearly beloveds, we are gathered here today to celebrate the holy matrimony of two wonderful things, kept separate by the holier than thou city of Tuscaloosa. If anyone has any reason why students and alcohol should not be united on Sundays, please put down your drink and exit the premises. Go back to the glory days when the Bear still ran things, when a Miller Hi-Life was the only remedy needed for relaxation, when Mama and Daddy were still footing the bill. In the South, God and football govern all. They share the same faithful day. Well in Tuscaloosa, the Man thinks that this day should be a dry one, a dull one, a SAD one. To my fellow classmates, my fellow party-goers, my fellow drinkers of all things sugary and cheap, I welcome. We are the leaders of tomorrow, voices of tomorrow, well what about today? What about Sunday? Do they think we lack the maturity, the control, THE RESPECT? This is the South! Respect is taught to us before the color blue! And how tasty those blue Miller Lite aluminums are! How thrilling the moment when the mountains on those Coors Lites turn blue! Well we as students are tired of being blue on Sundays. We’re craving a change, and it’s going to start with a Sunday afternoon party on the steps of City Hall!
How many times have you, yes YOU underage chuggernaut with the fake ID, how many times have you woken up on a Sunday morning, gone through your homework schedule mentally, and realized that your Sunday is school-free? And how many times, upon coming to this magnificent conclusion, has your mind killed your no-study buzz with the information that your fridge is empty, your keggerator dry, and your damn roommate left your bottle of wine sitting on the counter all night? Come on! You still had two solid inches of three-dollar wine! You don’t care that it tasted like goat urine! So, you then move to the decision that your Sunday Funday will be spent, depending on your sex, either watching Lifetime movies all day whilst constantly hitting the refresh button on your Facebook page scanning all the highlights from the weekend, or it will be spent first turning over and going back to sleep before gorging yourself with Mugshots, and spending the rest of the day watching football and playing Call of Duty interchangeably. COME ON! You could be spending the day far more productively, you could be meeting new people and networking for jobs and internships and shit for your resume that, let’s face it, could use some more shit. Alcohol IS the social lubricant! Who knows, if you attended a casual afternoon delightly brewed with a keg and a few friends, you might end up talking to Joe Somebody, who happens to be really cute, whose dad is the man in charge of whatever it is that you’re trying to break into! Instead of spending the day sweating out your own beverages from the last three nights, you could be enjoying yourself with friends and new contacts, in the cozy confines of a friend’s backyard or at the Bear Trap. (Just another reason to open alcohol sales for Sunday…Bear Trap has the best, most underrated food ever. They have lettuce wraps people!) This brings me to my next point.
When’s the last time you saw your favorite band? THINK! Is your favorite band Fly By Radio? Didn’t think so. You probably had to travel for your concert. You know why? "‘Cause all my bitches love me." Kidding. But seriously, most concerts are on Sunday nights. And who wants to attend a dry concert? In all honesty, who wants to attend a concert at the Dixie at all…OH WAIT! They’re building us a HUGE amphitheatre for BIG concerts! RIGHT HERE IN TUSCALOOSA! If we had alcohol sales on Sunday, there would be more concerts, restaurants, and hotels here! Do your parents bitch about staying at the Capstone whenever they come see you and buy you five of everything at Target? Mine do! One time my mom checked in to her room to find that someone had JUST shaved over the sink! GROSS! I bet your parents would come hook you up with groceries and fresh new sneaks more often if they could stay at a Hilton. But they can’t! Because Hilton stocks their minifridges. Standard. And they won’t come unless we sell alcohol on Sundays. Guess I’ll never get the chance to be Paris Hilton’s new BFF. BUT IT GETS WORSE! How many of you salivated when I said “lettuce wraps?” Yeah, you’ve been to PF Chang’s, have you not? Only the best, well, we’re not really sure which kind of Asian sensation food they’re channeling, but we do know we love it all. Especially the lettuce wraps. And who’s tired of craving good Italian food without having to go downtown and pay twelve bucks for mediocre macaroni? Give me back my Macaroni Grille! Olive Garden? Schmolive Garden. Even if they grew gold at the Olive Garden, I still wouldn’t eat their bland food and microwaved breadsticks. I don’t care if they ARE endless. Same deal though, guys – these quality restaurants will never come to Tuscaloosa because they depend on alcohol sales for their quotas.
Thirdly, the people of Tuscaloosa say that Sunday is God’s day. Well, assuming the role of super sensitive, extremely typical GIRL, I am very offended by this as I am Catholic, and part of our mass is receiving the blood of Christ, in the form of wine. So there. I’m offended.
WHO IS WITH ME? Without Sunday alcohol sales, we students are more inclined to sit around and play Black Ops all day, or worse, get sucked in to watching Charlie St. Cloud amidst tears from a roommate who CLEARLY will not get a next-day text-back from that guy she totally slept with last night…AND without Sunday alcohol sales, we are being deprived of great hair-free-sink hotels and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LETTUCE WRAPS from PF Chang’s! Good stuff. Plus, are they really going after the Catholics, AGAIN? COME ON THAT WAS SO 200 YEARS AGO. So without further adieu, I’d like to announce the prolonged engagement of Sunday alchohol sales and Tuscaloosa circa 1958 for the year 2011. Thanks. Thanks a lot. So refill your drinks, tuck in that beer belly, and let’s second-line all the way to City Hall. Cheers.
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