Whatever Works

I wrote a sitcom pilot for my sitcom writing class, something I had to take for my creative writing minor my last semester of college. It isn't good; it was fun to write and for the most part, honest, bizarrely.

COLD OPEN. BAR. NIGHT.

The beach bar is crowded and full of ACME employees kicking
off the summer. After meeting everyone, ALI, KATHRYN, and
KATIE sit at a table.

ALI
I just want to start working
already. Y’all know there’s a huge
plastic surgeon’s conference in
town?

KATHRYN
Yeah, I’m sure you’re anxious to
make some money for med school
since you found out about your
awesome SAT score. Wait...like hot
doctors??

ALI
Finding out about my SAT was a
great day...4 years ago...?

KATHRYN
Oh I meant the LSAT.

ALI
I’m going to med school, not law
school. I did well on the MCAT.

KATHRYN
Whatever, same thing. Ugh I’m so
excited to start serving. I suck
at cooking, so this is the next
best thing, right?

KATIE
I thought you were cooking
something tonight?

KATHRYN
Well I was going to, but the recipe
called for "salt to taste" and I
couldn’t find it at the grocery
store.

ACT 1. SCENE 1. ACME OYSTER HOUSE RESTAURANT. MORNING.

The servers are preparing for the lunch shift. It is
KATHRYN’s first day of work in her life. ALI shows her how
to prep. KATIE works quietly setting up her section - the
worst in the restaurant.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

ALI
Look at the sections and see which
one you have, then check those
tables for ketchup, salt, pepper,
hot sauce, sugar, and make sure
they’re clean.

ALI imagines scrubbing in for surgery and each item in the
restaurant in her gaze transforms momentarily into an item
from the ER.

KATHRYN
(Looking at the section map)
YES! I got the best
one! Right by the bar. And
only 3 tables!

MAC
Alex, don’t forget to check the
vents above the hot window.
Remember what happened last summer?

KATHRYN fixates on ALEX, the kitchen manager, to whom MAC is
speaking.

KATHRYN
Ali, who’s that guy?

ALI
Kitchen manager, huge stoner, Rob
Schneider’s doppelganger.

KATHRYN
Rob Schneider...the guy from
ANIMAL?

ALI
Yes...and ironically he definitely
has a way with animals...

ALI walks away. DAN is shucking oysters at the bar and
singing merrily to himself.

KATHRYN
CanaDAN! I’ll be hanging with you
all day today!

DAN
Right on, right on. Just wish my
eyes were better so I could
actually see you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

KATHRYN
Bummer, dude! Hey, there’s always
LASIK though, right?

DAN
Yeah, but that’s pretty
expensive. The cheapest I’ve seen
is $800 an eye.

KATHRYN
Oh wow, not bad. Which eye would
you get done?

ACT 1. SCENE 2. ACME OYSTER HOUSE. NOON.

Customers begin seating themselves in the restaurant and
also on the patio, outside. The sections extend outdoors,
but KATHRYN stays inside while the other servers rush in and
out of doors.

ALI
(Keying in an order at the
computer) Brace yourself,
this isn’t even the busiest.

KATHRYN
Then I guess I rock at this because
all my tables are happy and I’ve
been playing on my phone.

The manager, MAC, storms up to KATHRYN.

MAC
KATHRYN! You have tables who have
been sitting outside for half an
hour!

KATHRYN
WELL nobody told me they that they
were my responsibility! I mean if
I sat outside at a restaurant, it’d
be my responsibility to get my own
food!

MAC
Listen, girl, I know it’s your
first day, but you need to tighten
it up.

KATHRYN
How do you expect me to see when
people are sitting outside? I
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

KATHRYN (cont’d)
can’t see through walls - I’m not
the Wizard of Oz for God’s sake!

ALI
Wasn’t the whole point of Wizard of
Oz that he was a phony and you have
to find courage and heart and the
rest in yourself?

KATHRYN storms outside to her angry customers.

KATHRYN
WELL, OKAAAY. You guys have had
enough time to look at the menu so
go ahead.

The table of customers silently leave in anger. KATHRYN
comes back inside happy.

KATHRYN
Oh my gosh...people are SO rude. My
table just got up and LEFT!

ALI
Kathryn, the older man at that
table was the best plastic surgeon
in the Southeast. I met him last
year at a seminar.

MAC
Kathryn, take care of your inside
tables. I’m putting you on phone
duty for a while.

ALI and KATIE diligently take care of their tables, some of
whom are being difficult.

ALI
I’m so sorry, all of our food is
cooked on the same pots and pans
and stoves, so there’s no way I can
guarantee you something
gluten-free.

CUSTOMER
Oh well that’s just PERFECT. I’m
on vacation and I can’t even enjoy
a nice meal.

ALI
Again, I’m so sorry. I’d rather
not chance you getting sick. Maybe
some steamed veggies?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

CUSTOMER
You know, you should really bring
that up at the next corporate
meeting. This is an affront to an
entire population of people who
deal with gluten allergies.

ALI
Well, they don’t really invite
people like me to the corporate
meetings seeing as I’m 21 and a
server...

CUSTOMER
You should be outraged!

KATIE deals with her tables.

KATIE
Ma’am, I’m so sorry, but the
kitchen cannot take the okra out of
the gumbo. It’s all made in 1 big
batch.

CUSTOMER 1
That is ridiculous. If I knew I was
coming to such a rigid restaurant,
I would’ve gone to my mother’s.

KATIE
If it makes you feel any better,
you really can’t taste it. I hate
oysters, but I can’t even taste
them in the gumbo.

CUSTOMER 1
I’m writing a nasty review about
this place. You know, I’m a food
blogger!

KATIE
Oh really? I’ve always wanted to do
that. Which blog are you affiliated
with?

CUSTOMER 1
Well, it’s just on my Facebook page
under the "Notes" section. BUT
STILL!

KATIE goes outside to her other table.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

KATIE
So how is everything, y’all? Your
po’boys should be coming right out.

CUSTOMER 2
Oh great! We’ve been waiting all
year for this! And the gumbo was
great. Is that okra I taste?

MAC tells KATIE he needs her and ALI to help KATHRYN with a
party upstairs tonight. While the two are talking, KATHRYN
delivers KATIE’s po’boys to her outside table in an attempt
to be cocky.

KATHRYN
Oh Katie, Hun, don’t worry - I
already ran your food. Thank me
later.

KATIE
Ok, well, um, thanks but I usually
like to check the food before it
goes out just to make sure
everything is right.

KATIE goes back outside to check on the table. Only the man
is sitting there, laughing hysterically, and KATIE sees his
daughter running for the bathroom.

KATIE
Um, is everything ok? They didn’t
put pickles on her sandwich, did
they?

CUSTOMER 2
Oh baby, they did right by the
pickles. But my daughter just bit
into a live roach...FOR THE SECOND
DAMN SUMMER VACATION IN A ROW!

KATIE
HOLY - OH MY GOSH! You’re kidding!

CUSTOMER 2
(doubled over laughing) It
ain’t your fault, sweetheart.
That little sucker’s legs just
tickled the roof of her mouth!

KATIE
Let me go get my manager, I’m so so
sorry. I’m mortified.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

CUSTOMER 2
Baby, you just provided me with
entertainment for the next 25
years! That poor girl is cursed!

KATIE storms inside to MAC and KATHRYN.

KATHRYN
...and the pollen is just awful
and...

KATIE
OH MY GOSH. I am so sorry...somehow
a ROACH got into my customer’s
po’boy! She’s in the bathroom
throwing up!

MAC
(Running to the kitchen)
ALEX!!!!!!!!! I TOLD YOU TO CHECK
THE VENTS THIS MORNING.

KATHRYN
That’s gross. People should totally
be more careful before dropping off
food to tables. Ugh. Is there a
good nail place here?

MAC manages to sweet talk the customer and her dad.

MAC
Honest to God, let me write you a
check. Name your price.

CUSTOMER 2
(still laughing)
Ah come on, man! I’m just pissed we
didn’t get it on video this time!

MAC
(uneasy, dabs the sweat from
his face)
Just, please...anything...what can
I give you to make sure nobody
hears of this?

CUSTOMER 2
Hahaha, you can comp our meal and
throw us some free shots and I
swear on my mama’s grave the only
souls who will know are the entire
extended family, plus her fiancee!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

KATIE takes a break on the steps with SANDRA and
KATHRYN. SANDRA is a much older woman with a raspy voice
and tough exterior. She’s one of the best servers at Acme,
but everyone is intimidated by her.

KATIE
I’m exhausted and it isn’t even 1
yet. I really wanted to go fishing
tonight too.

KATHRYN
Oh is that what they’re calling it
now?

KATIE
Putting bait on a line and casting?
Yep, that’s the street name for it.

KATHRYN
Hahaha, I thought you were going
"fishing" with Dan and the kitchen
guys. They’re going to the beach
and tripping on mushrooms tonight.

KATIE
Um no, I freak out if I take too
much Tylenol or drink too much
coffee.

KATHRYN
WHAT?! Mushrooms are so fun! But I
have a full bottle of Lortab from
my mom’s hysterectomy last month so
I’m getting weird tonight!

KATIE
Your mom didn’t need it?

SANDRA
What’s the matter with you
kids? Doesn’t anybody do acid
anymore?

The phone rings.

KATHRYN
Hello?

REGIONAL MANAGER
What the hell do you mean hello?!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

KATHRYN
Oh sorry, Acme Oyster House, how
can I help you?

REGIONAL MANAGER
That will have to do - is Mac in?

KATHRYN
He just ran out, but he’s on his
cell.

REGIONAL MANAGER
Oh ok, well do you have his cell?

KATHRYN
Um no, he has it. Bye.

KATHRYN hangs up righteously and tells ALI what a moron the
regional manager must be.

ALI
Hey Katie, do you still want to go
fishing tonight?

KATIE
I mean yeah, but I’m getting tired.

ALI
Me too, but they really need us to
work that party upstairs tonight.
We’ll get to leave early since it’s
just them.

KATIE
Yeah let’s do that. I just need a
nap first.

ALI
The good news is it’s a few of the
families in town for the plastic
surgeon’s convention! The bad news
is it’s 25 people.

KATIE
Remember Spring Break sophomore
year? I think we can get through
it.

ALI
You mean the week that lady peed on
you at the bar?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

KATIE
I got through it.

ACT 2. SCENE 1. ACME. UPSTAIRS. EVENING.

ALI and KATIE prep for the dinner shift upstairs. KATHRYN
is late for prep upstairs and ALI and KATIE grow irritated.

ALI
I just don’t get it. She acts the
way a pothead does...except that’s
her just her brain naturally.

KATIE
She told me she loves mushrooms. My
boyfriend’s cousin’s friend took so
much acid last summer, he doesn’t
talk now.

ALI
You just made that up. We studied
the effects of acid on the body and
I don’t remember that major detail.

KATIE
Honest! Everyone calls him "Tickle"
now since that’s the only thing he
really responds to.

ALI
I wonder how Kathryn gets through
the day. You know that expensive
vacuum my mom bought me?

KATIE
Yeah what’s wrong with it? Kathryn
asked me today - WHILE I WAS
SLEEPING - if I had another vacuum.

ALI
Because she broke mine...She was
sick of the patio being covered in
pollen and leaves SO SHE VACUUMED
IT.

ACT 2. SCENE 2. ACME. DOWNSTAIRS KITCHEN. EVENING.

KATHRYN flirts with ALEX, the 28-year-old pothead who
manages the kitchen.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

KATHRYN
I like your tattoo! What does it
mean?

ALEX
Well, you see that? That’s a wave.
And you see that? That’s a
mountain. Because, like, I dig
surfing AND snowboarding. You know?

KATHRYN
COOL! Crazy that you like both. I
love mountains. Yosemite is
amazing.

ALEX
Wait, you like hiking??

KATHRYN
Duh! It’s like walking except you
can pee wherever you want.

A pot of red beans begins to bubble on the stove behind
KATHRYN.

ALEX
Woah can you go stir the beans for
me real quick? I need a smoke.

KATHRYN
Sure! I love cooking!

ALEX steps outside the kitchen and lights a joint. KATHRYN
comes out a few minutes later.

KATHRYN
Hey, quick question, you know how
you wanted me to stir the
beans? Where are they?

ACT 2. SCENE 3. ACME. UPSTAIRS. EVENING.

ALI and KATIE brace themselves for a huge family dinner
upstairs. Because KATHRYN has not shown up until now, KATIE
will serve the kids table and ALI will serve the adults and
they will share the teenagers. Dan the oyster shucker sings
to himself behind the oyster bar while TASHA, the drunk
bartender, prepares the bar. KATHRYN shows up as the family
sits down.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

ALI
Kathryn, you need to serve the
teenagers at that table. It’s part
of a huge party of doctors.

KATHRYN
Ughhhh I hate teenagers.

KATIE
If you would’ve been here to set
up, you could’ve had a say. Ali,
why do you have a bunch of resumes
underneath the table condiments?

ALI
(Sheepishly grins)
It’s like an actor and a headshot,
but on a way higher level.

KATHRYN
Guys, I think Alex likes me.

(Everyone ignores her.)

KATHRYN
We both like the mountains and the
beach and he has this tattoo and
it’s-

ALI
Kathryn, we’re going to the tables
now. Man the teens.

The girls approach their respective tables.

(Ali’s table.)

ALI
Good evening, I’m Ali and I’ll be
taking care of you! Would you guys
like to start out with a few
cocktails and some oysters?

ALI’S CUSTOMER 1
Hello, Darlin! Yes let’s do 3 dozen
raw oysters and 3 pitchers of
Budlight.

Kathryn’s table. All teenagers, all staring silently at
their phones. Kathryn is very uncharacteristically nervous.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

KATHRYN
Hey what do you guys want to drink?

TEENAGER 1
Beer.

KATHRYN
Ok.

TEENAGER 1
Holy Toledo it worked! I’m never
shaving again!

TEENAGER 2
Shut up. You have pubic hair on
your face.

(Katie’s table.)

KATIE
Hello my friends! What do y’all
want to drink?

KID 1
Can I have more crayons? He broke
mine. (KID 2 sitting next to him is
mashing crayons on the table.)

KATIE
Well that isn’t very nice, of
course I’ll bring you more if he
promises not to break them.

KID 2
You’re not my mom! I hate you!
(Throws broken robin’s egg blue at
KATIE.)

One of the mothers pulls KATIE aside and tells her to fix
them all milk in kids’ cups.

ALI delivers the pitchers and oysters to her table.

ALI
Be careful, our sauce is hot. I’ll
let you guys enjoy those and I’ll
be back to take your dinner order.
Let me know if you need anything!

ALI’S CUSTOMER 1
(under his breath to the
table)
What I would do to get my hands on
that simple body...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

ALI’S CUSTOMER 2
Yeah, some nice implants and maybe
an eye lift?

KATHRYN fumbles with 6 draft beers at the beverage station.

ALI
So how’s it going?

KATHRYN
I mean it would be a lot better if
I didn’t have to deal with those
kids!

KATHRYN appears to be wearing a black bra beneath her white
Acme t-shirt.

ALI
Wait, did you ID those - Kathryn,
is that your bra?

KATHRYN
UM NO?! What do I look like? Some
cheap hooker?? Alex invited me to
his hot tub tonight. It’s my
bathing suit.

ALI
You’ve known him for 2 hours.

KATHRYN
And what better way to get to know
someone than basically naked and in
water??

ALI’s table. The adults wince because of the oyster sauce.

ALI’S CUSTOMER 1
DAMN! This stuff is hot!

TASHA sits behind the bar near the table and takes a shot of
something.

TASHA
Yeah, ya know what’ll cure dat?

ALI’S CUSTOMER 2
What? What? Anything!

TASHA
(Belches loudly)
Time.

Beverage station. KATIE approaches.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

KATIE
How are y’all doing?

ALI
Well, I just did some eavesdropping
and heard that one of the guys at
my table did his residency at my
dream hospital.

KATHRYN lifts the drink tray and spills all over the front
of her shirt.

KATHRYN
Oh I’m having the BEST night!

KATIE
Kath, is that your bra?

KATHRYN tells the ALI to repour the spilled drinks and
storms into the bathroom.

KATIE
Well, a kid at my table told me I’m
evil and that I’m going to Hell to
be with my dad...Satan.

ALI
Haha, pretty comforting that your
dad lives in Jackson, right?

KATIE
Very. So are you going to say
anything to that doctor?

ALI
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just
casually bring it up, but I’m not
good at that. Hopefully he notices
the resume.

The girls notice said doctor patting his tongue with a
resume to ease the burn of the sauce.

KATIE
Well, just charm him and get him
liquored up.

ALI
You should do the same for that
kid.

16.

ACT 3. SCENE 1. ACME OYSTER HOUSE. UPSTAIRS. NIGHT.

The family is getting up to leave after several hours. The
girls are eager to clean up and go home, all at their wit’s
end. The adults are very drunk.

ALI’S CUSTOMER 1
So, Ali love, just focus on your
shool, and make good reshalonlips
with your prosseffors, and you’ll
be the best damn MD just like this
guy (points to himself with both
thumbs).

ALI
Thanks for the advice...please
throw away that resume I gave you.
The hostess will call a cab for
you.

ALI’S CUSTOMER 1
That stands for MEDICAL. DOCTOR.
Me.

ALI’S CUSTOMER 2
Jan, dis lil waiterress gave Bill
her remuse so he’d give her a boob
yob!

ALI looks horrified, but gives up on any explanation for why
her resumes were on the table.

KATIE tells KID 2 goodbye.

KATIE
Bye, Ashton! Build lots of
sandcastles tomorrow!

ASHTON
SHUT UP I HATE YOUR UGLY FACE AND
YOUR MOM.

KATIE
Ohhhkay.

ASHTON
I HOPE RABID WOLVES KILL EVERYONE
YOU LOVE!

ASHTON’S MOTHER
Awww, someone’s tired!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

ASHTON
SHUT UP YOU FAT TROLL!

ACT 3. SCENE 2. ACME OYSTER HOUSE. UPSTAIRS. NIGHT.

The girls roll silverware at a table. DAN cleans up the
oyster bar.

ALI
That wasn’t so bad, right?

KATIE
Do I really have uneven ears?

KATHRYN
Turn this way, let me see.

ALI
NO. And your dad is not Satan.
Let’s evaluate the credibility
here.

KATIE
So do you still want to work at
that hospital for...THAT guy?

ALI
Hell no. He bragged to me that he
once performed a tummy tuck with a
buzz.

KATHRYN
Bad ass!

ALI
He also burned his hand really
badly-

KATIE
How?

KATHRYN
Why?

ALI
Apparently some chemical in
anesthesia is flammable and
"apparently" hospitals are pretty
touchy about smoking in the OR.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

KATIE
It’s terrifying to think about
people sometimes.

KATHRYN
Definitely. Speaking of, whatever
happened with that roach thing?

KATIE
Well, apparently this is the second
time for that same girl. Luckily,
her dad loved it. Plus Mac comped
their meal and threw a ton of
drinks at them for the ordeal.

KATHRYN
WTF! Why would he throw drinks at
them? This place...I swear.

ALEX comes upstairs and yells to KATHRYN.

ALEX
Yo, sunshine, you ready?

KATHRYN
Coming!

ALI
You can’t leave...your silverware
looks awful.

KATIE
(picking up KATHRYN’S
silverware rolls)
Uh that’s because she rolled all
forks.

KATHRYN
(collecting her things)
I gotta go, guys. Sorry. Oh and
Ali, that vacuum your mom bought is
a piece of junk.

ALI
Someone get me a drink.

KATHRYN
(to DAN)
See ya lata, CanaDAN!

DAN
See you tomorrow, little lady.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

KATHRYN
Well, not really since you’re like
blind - but - whatever - it’s cool
- we’ll talk.

KATHRYN exits.

KATIE
I wouldn’t walk across the street
to spit on her if she was on fire.

ALI
Wow, I guess that kid really rubbed
off on you.

Episode ends with a zoom out on the girls rolling silverware
at a table, revealing the father of the roach victim
crawling around on all fours, searching for more roaches.

Whatever Works

Monday, June 10, 2013

Sadness Along the Bayou - The Editor's Room - June 2013 - New Orleans, LA

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Pleasantville

Thursday, January 3, 2013

In Review

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A Reflection on 2012

Tuesday, September 4, 2012